THE D.I. The Builder of a Few Good men

This is a segment from a TV show profiling my husband Mike when he was a drill instructor at MCRD San Diego.

Sept 2

Thinking of Mike, as everyday, on his birthday.

Garage Sale Blues

Today was my second annual (and last) garage sale. I hate having them to begin with. All the lugging stuff downstairs, cleaning stuff up, making sure it works right, figuring out what to charge for everything, finding tables and ways to display everything. Then you have to deal with all the people who think $5 is too much to pay for a perfectly great TV set. I want to tell them to go buy a new one for about a 100 times that or more. But I silently hold my tongue. I couldn't take a break and just run to the bathroom because my daughter couldn't be here to help me today. People were nosing about in my garage, although all my for sale items were in front of the garage, asking how much for this and how much for that. ("Um, no that freezer is not for sale.") I think, though, the worst of this is dealing with all these people rifling through my husband's belongings like it's the clearance bin at KMart. My husband took great pride in collecting hunting clothing, utilities and gear. He took good care of what he had and bought quality goods. It's painful to hear people who have no idea what they're talking about nitpicking his things and the little insulting jabs that always seem to follow. If they want to pick through my stuff and make fun of it or put it down, fine. I can take it. But this has gotten to be too much. There was one moment, and I know the guy didn't know any better, but I got a little hot under the collar. Someone looked at my display of hunting clothing and said "Wow your husband is going to be pretty mad when he gets home." Lucky for him I didn't say anything but, word to the wise, never open your mouth if you don't know the whole story.

Life Goes On

It's been a while since I've written. Life has been incredibly busy. I finished EMT training, passed national registry and got licensed in the State of Michigan. I haven't even begun to try and find work as an EMT yet because I have been too busy and also plan on transferring my license, however that is possible, to the Commonwealth of Virginia. Once I get there and settled in, I will get that figured out and look for work.

At present my goal is to get my house ready to be listed so I can sell it. The housing market is awful where I live but I don't want to take a huge hit on the price. I'm going to try and be patient. That's always a challenge for me. Meanwhile there are a multitude of chores and tasks to be done. Some are purely cosmetic: small painting projects and little add-ons to make certain rooms look better. Some are definitely needed. When we moved into our house back in 1997, sometime shortly after there was a little "accident". Someone (ok it was me!) dropped a blistering hot broiler pan on the carpet in the dining room. Something in the oven had spilled over into the broiler pan and silly me thought it would be a bright idea to take it outside and spray it down with the hose before it dried on. Bad idea. Bad if your oven mitt has worn through to where basically there is little more than a smaller layer of gauze between your skin and the hot object. So at some point in my trek to the hose, I had to drop that pan. Of course it instantly melted the carpet underneath it! All these years it's been covered up with a small carpet runner. Nobody ever asked why I had a carpet runner there but I'm sure many a visitor wondered. And yes, Mike was very angry when he found out. But oh well, live and learn. And now finally that ugly scar is gone. I'm getting laminate wood flooring installed in it's place and into the kitchen and front entry way today. I know it will look so nice!

There have been other small projects I've needed someone professional to do: repair my backyard spigot that stopped working; replace the baseboard heater in the downstairs bathroom that has a lot of rust on it from moisture in the room; repair the oven door. Yes my oven door whose glass likes to sporadically fall out when you open the door. That's always a nice surprise to have a thick sheet of glass fall on your bare feet when you're trying to put something in or take something out of the oven. But I don't think my potential new owners will find that so appealing.

Some of these tasks I'm undertaking myself - repainted my front door and put on all new hardware so it pretty much looks like a brand new door now. Almost. Repaired some painting jobs. Fixing the grass. (dog pee takes its toll on grass) Some new light fixtures and ceiling fans and a new garage door openers as well but I definitely need help with those.

All in all it has been a very busy summer so far and a little exhausting. I've traveled a lot back and forth between here and Virginia several times, went to North Carolina for a week, drove my oldest daughter down to Florida to help her move and have another trip to Virginia and a trip to Florida planned for next month. In between it's been work, work, work. All these changes in my house have made me realize I'm starting life all over again. I didn't expect to but I'm up to the challenge. Hopefully my next post will be talking of the sale of the house! My fingers are crossed!

Michigan Donor Family Ceremony Spring 2011.wmv

A year of changes

It’s been almost a year now since Mike passed away so suddenly. It’s difficult to imagine that only a year ago my life was very different. In some ways I still feel terrified of all the things I’ve had to deal with on my own. But in other ways I think I’ve grown so much stronger and even a little smarter. It’s all been trial and error but I’ve always felt like he was right there nearby trying to give advice and lend a helping hand. I have learned that I learn best from failure. My most recent trial was our recent storm and subsequent flooding. We had it nowhere near as bad as the folks down south and in other areas recently affected by flooding. But I have to say: it did suck indeed. We got hit by a deluge of rain for pretty much an entire day and, due to the high water table in my neighborhood, the water just continued to pool up. Eventually the water seeped back into the ground but flooded out basements and crawlspaces in my neighborhood. Three years ago we had a similar experience. That storm also brought high winds that knocked large trees over and heavy rain that washed away roads. Our lawn all around flooded, followed shortly by our crawlspace which we have used almost as a basement all these years. We don’t exactly hang out in there but we do store things there. This time the winds weren’t a problem but the rain came down over a longer period and flooded more than before. I was panicking watching the water growing higher and higher and checking the crawlspace and seeing it beginning to fill up. Mike would have known just what to do, although I might not have liked it. Last time we ran a bucket brigade, unloading bucket after bucket after extremely heavy bucket for an entire weekend. Finally the crawlspace was just damp. This time I just couldn’t do that. Not only did I not want to, but I am in the final couple weeks of EMT training and have no time for anything else! I bought a sump pump and now it seems to be doing its job. I know this time around Mike would have gone that route as well. He knew the bucket thing, although it worked, was not the most efficient way of going about it. I remember him saying at that time how a pump would be the way to go if this happened again. This was another of those “What Would Mike Do” moments.
Many other things in life have changed since Mike left us. As stated earlier I am about to finish EMT training and then at some point down the road (but not too far off) plan to begin paramedic training. I also began a new relationship with someone very special. This is someone that, although I don’t want to “kiss and tell”, I can say that I know Mike would have strongly approved of. Maybe he even led me to him. He is someone he knew in his past and is also a retired Marine. I am planning to start getting my house ready to put on the market and hopefully it won’t take too long to sell. In this market, there is no telling how long it might take. Luckily I don’t have a mortgage to worry about, thanks to my husband’s financial prudence. That gives me options that I will figure out a little later when things settle down somewhat.
Mike’s girls are moving on with their lives as well. One is moving out of the state of Michigan and I’m certain will find happiness in a new life in a much warmer climate. Another is planning to return to school to begin working on her master’s degree and full time teaching career. And the baby girl is continuing her studies in college and very optimistic about her future as well. He would be so proud of all three.
I truly believe that Mike would want only the best for us, his family. He would want us all to go on and have full lives and find some measure of happiness. I have second guessed myself time and time again with each decision I had to make along the way the last year. This would encompass everything from buying decisions, redecorating and remodeling decisions, travel plans, education and career changes, selling things, decisions involving the girls, pets, Mike’s possessions, all of them. Always asking myself: “Am I doing the right thing?”, “should I be doing this right now?” “would he be mad at me for this?” “is this what he would want?” “what would Mike do?”. Usually after much thought and reflection I come to the answer that he would want me to do what is best for all of us. He would want me to sell or give away what I need to. He would want me to rearrange the house to my pleasing or change things in whatever way I feel I need to. He would definitely want me to be wise with money but to live a little too. I think most of all he would want me to go on living and be happy and do whatever I need to do to be a whole and complete person. I’m trying to do that and I think I’m making some good progress.
Yes, it’s been a hard, long year. At times it’s been a lonely and sad year. But I think in going on with all of our lives and living them to the fullest, we are honoring Mike. So I start another year now without him. I know I’ve come a long way in this last year. He’s been there all along: watching and keeping an eye out for us. I’ve felt it and known it all along. As the next years unfold, whatever they may bring, I’m going to move forward and do my best to be the woman Mike always believed me to be. I believe he will continue to watch out for us and that gives me a lot of comfort. Rest in peace, Mike.

One year ago this week I was in paradise (Punta Cana, Dominican Republic) with Mike. I had no idea that in a month he would be gone. I'm so grateful, though, that we had that last vacation together. He was unusually relaxed and stress free.

TogetherWeServed - SgtMaj Michael Bachus

TogetherWeServed - SgtMaj Michael Bachus

What I have learned

• I have learned that some people actually mean it when they say “If you need anything at all, don’t hesitate to call” but most do not.

• I’ve learned that it is not productive to beat myself up over things I should have said but didn’t, or things I should not have said but did, or things I should or should not have done during the course of my marriage. That my husband knew I loved him and the negative things from the past were the same sorts of things all couple go through. What matters is that we loved each other and both knew it.

• I’ve learned that with God’s help, I can get through just about anything. If I can survive the death of my spouse and become even stronger, then I can conquer pretty much anything.

• I’ve learned not to listen to the naysayers who try to convince me that I’m not cut out for something I want to pursue. There are those that have tried to convince me I’ll never be able to finish something I’m trying to finish or be good at something I want to learn and be good at. I should only listen to those who believe in me.

• I’ve learned not to let the stupid comments people say bother me too much. Most people are just trying to say SOMETHING they think lets me know they know how I feel. No, their dog’s recent death is not QUITE the same thing but they meant well. Usually.

• I’ve learned that some people would rather let a long-time friendship go rather than deal with something unpleasant. Those friends that never bothered to call or send a card or just find a way to let me know they care are not really friends worth keeping anyway.

• I have learned that the soul never dies. Those we have loved and have passed on are always going to be close by and keeping an eye on us.

• I have learned that cats and dogs can be really great company.

• I’ve learned that I can learn to do just about anything if I really put my mind to it. I’m not a helpless little girl. My husband taught me so much and it’s helping me get things done everyday.

• I've learned that I can grieve in my own way and at my own pace and no one else can tell me I'm "doing it wrong." I don't owe anyone an explanation.

• I’ve learned that every Winter has its Spring. No matter how cold and lonely it may be right now, Spring is around the corner and will come eventually.

I will not forget you
You are in my sweetest moments, my dearest dreams.
I will not forget you
You have touched my soul, opened my eyes
Changed my very experience of the universe.
I will not forget you.
I see you in the flowers, the sunset,
The sweep of the horizon and all things that stretch to infinity.
I will not forget you.
I have carved you on the palm of my hand
I carry you with me forever.
-Ellen Sue Stern/Living with Loss

Alone

Made it through the holidays with sanity intact. Now the new year is bringing more and more changes. Some are welcomed and some....not so much. The house has become very very quiet. Both my girls are now gone away from home and it's just me and the cats and dogs. It makes me miss Mike even more. I knew for years these days were coming but always assumed he would be there and I wouldn't need to learn to live alone.

In some ways the new quiet is welcomed because the past months have been so busy. I need now the quiet to get my head together and figure out where I go from here. For now it's back to college and an EMT course. But there is a certain position I interviewed for recently. If that comes to pass I would snatch it up in a heart beat although it will bring about a lot of changes in a big hurry.

But for now I just keep busy and try not to let the quiet times bring too much sadness. In a lot of ways I know I'm not really alone. I know he's been here all along. Sometimes probably angry at the cats running wild in his man cave, but mostly watching over things and keeping an eye out for all of us.