November 25, 2010
Thanksgiving
Today was our first Thanksgiving without Mike, and the first of many holidays to come. It was just a quiet day but then usually our Thanksgivings were. I cooked a big meal and we just hung around the house, like we usually do. Every year, no matter how hard I tried to time things just right, it never failed that all the side dishes would need to be reheated before we actually sat down to eat. Mike would spend an eternity cutting the turkey up and getting every last scrap of meat of the carcass. We would be sitting at the table saying "Are you almost done?" "Come on, we're hungry. Hurry up." "I'm sure that's all of it." And he'd reply usually "Nope. There's a lot more right here. Not wasting a scrap." And he wouldn't either. Then, when we'd finally be able to eat, he would usually go back for thirds or even fourths before the meal was done. I definitely knew he appreciated all the work that went into preparing the dinner. Thanksgiving dinner will never be the same again. Many Thanksgiving dinners were either delayed or pushed way ahead so he could get in a hunt. I do remember one where he got a deer and really changed our dinner plans! We ended up eating without him. There were a few Thanksgivings without him due to his deployments but we knew the following year he'd be there. It's much harder knowing he'll never be with us for another Thanksgiving again.
November 22, 2010
Moving On
After six months I feel closer to being able to move on. When you lose someone like this and your life suddenly changes, it takes time to heal. It takes time to get your head together and get your emotions in order. I found the following a while ago on the stages of grief we go through. (recover-from-grief.com)
7 Stages of Grief...
1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.
2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.
You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.
3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.
You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")
4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.
During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.
5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.
6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.
7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.
You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.
I've been working myself through these stages. I know that everyone is different so there is no time table attached. I feel for the most part I've gotten to a stage where I feel positive now. I feel I can move on. I know there are a lot of things I do still need to learn and will go through. Nothing takes away the pain of loss and I don't feel you can really have "closure". But at some point peace comes back. I believe it's coming back to me too now.
7 Stages of Grief...
1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.
2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.
You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.
3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.
You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")
4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.
During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.
5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.
6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.
7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.
You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.
I've been working myself through these stages. I know that everyone is different so there is no time table attached. I feel for the most part I've gotten to a stage where I feel positive now. I feel I can move on. I know there are a lot of things I do still need to learn and will go through. Nothing takes away the pain of loss and I don't feel you can really have "closure". But at some point peace comes back. I believe it's coming back to me too now.
November 10, 2010
Veteran's Day
Just when I think I'm getting to a place when I feel I'm stronger and can move forward, I always feel that old familiar tug back on my heart again. Today was the Marine Corps birthday and tomorrow is Veteran's Day. These were two back to back days that always meant so much to him. He always proudly flew the Marine Corps flag and made sure to say "Happy Birthday" to every Marine, past or present, he met. I meant to make a trip back to cemetery today to wish my favorite Marine a happy birthday but I got too busy. I will definitely do it tomorrow, on Veteran's day.
A week or so ago I received in the mail a special memory book I wasn't expecting with spaces to record the details of the funeral and photos. It also has a lot of helpful information and comfort for those of us left behind.
My husband Mike did not die in combat or even just serving in a way, even though he served so many years in the Marine Corps and spent tours in hostile environments. He retired as decorated Sergeant Major and expected to spend the rest of his days hunting and fishing and enjoying his family. Fortunately for us we had 14 more years to do that. But sadly those years went by far too fast.
They were very turbulent at times but overall very happy. Mike was an intense person but he loved me and his girls more than anything in the world and we knew it. He was passionate about everything he got involved in. At his funeral, one of his good friends spoke of how he told him that when he died one day he'd hoped it would be after shooting a big buck or while fishing with his good friends. In the end, both turned out to be true. He had shot the "buck of a lifetime" in January and only days before his death the mount was finished and hung on the wall.
My husband loved his country and supported our troops more than anyone you will ever meet. He wanted to get involved in anything to honor our troops that have made the ultimate sacrifice and those they left behind. So on this Veteran's Day I would like to send my condolences to those widows (and children and parents) on behalf of SgtMaj Michael E Bachus, USMC (Ret.) and myself.
A week or so ago I received in the mail a special memory book I wasn't expecting with spaces to record the details of the funeral and photos. It also has a lot of helpful information and comfort for those of us left behind.
My husband Mike did not die in combat or even just serving in a way, even though he served so many years in the Marine Corps and spent tours in hostile environments. He retired as decorated Sergeant Major and expected to spend the rest of his days hunting and fishing and enjoying his family. Fortunately for us we had 14 more years to do that. But sadly those years went by far too fast.
They were very turbulent at times but overall very happy. Mike was an intense person but he loved me and his girls more than anything in the world and we knew it. He was passionate about everything he got involved in. At his funeral, one of his good friends spoke of how he told him that when he died one day he'd hoped it would be after shooting a big buck or while fishing with his good friends. In the end, both turned out to be true. He had shot the "buck of a lifetime" in January and only days before his death the mount was finished and hung on the wall.
My husband loved his country and supported our troops more than anyone you will ever meet. He wanted to get involved in anything to honor our troops that have made the ultimate sacrifice and those they left behind. So on this Veteran's Day I would like to send my condolences to those widows (and children and parents) on behalf of SgtMaj Michael E Bachus, USMC (Ret.) and myself.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)