A year of changes

It’s been almost a year now since Mike passed away so suddenly. It’s difficult to imagine that only a year ago my life was very different. In some ways I still feel terrified of all the things I’ve had to deal with on my own. But in other ways I think I’ve grown so much stronger and even a little smarter. It’s all been trial and error but I’ve always felt like he was right there nearby trying to give advice and lend a helping hand. I have learned that I learn best from failure. My most recent trial was our recent storm and subsequent flooding. We had it nowhere near as bad as the folks down south and in other areas recently affected by flooding. But I have to say: it did suck indeed. We got hit by a deluge of rain for pretty much an entire day and, due to the high water table in my neighborhood, the water just continued to pool up. Eventually the water seeped back into the ground but flooded out basements and crawlspaces in my neighborhood. Three years ago we had a similar experience. That storm also brought high winds that knocked large trees over and heavy rain that washed away roads. Our lawn all around flooded, followed shortly by our crawlspace which we have used almost as a basement all these years. We don’t exactly hang out in there but we do store things there. This time the winds weren’t a problem but the rain came down over a longer period and flooded more than before. I was panicking watching the water growing higher and higher and checking the crawlspace and seeing it beginning to fill up. Mike would have known just what to do, although I might not have liked it. Last time we ran a bucket brigade, unloading bucket after bucket after extremely heavy bucket for an entire weekend. Finally the crawlspace was just damp. This time I just couldn’t do that. Not only did I not want to, but I am in the final couple weeks of EMT training and have no time for anything else! I bought a sump pump and now it seems to be doing its job. I know this time around Mike would have gone that route as well. He knew the bucket thing, although it worked, was not the most efficient way of going about it. I remember him saying at that time how a pump would be the way to go if this happened again. This was another of those “What Would Mike Do” moments.
Many other things in life have changed since Mike left us. As stated earlier I am about to finish EMT training and then at some point down the road (but not too far off) plan to begin paramedic training. I also began a new relationship with someone very special. This is someone that, although I don’t want to “kiss and tell”, I can say that I know Mike would have strongly approved of. Maybe he even led me to him. He is someone he knew in his past and is also a retired Marine. I am planning to start getting my house ready to put on the market and hopefully it won’t take too long to sell. In this market, there is no telling how long it might take. Luckily I don’t have a mortgage to worry about, thanks to my husband’s financial prudence. That gives me options that I will figure out a little later when things settle down somewhat.
Mike’s girls are moving on with their lives as well. One is moving out of the state of Michigan and I’m certain will find happiness in a new life in a much warmer climate. Another is planning to return to school to begin working on her master’s degree and full time teaching career. And the baby girl is continuing her studies in college and very optimistic about her future as well. He would be so proud of all three.
I truly believe that Mike would want only the best for us, his family. He would want us all to go on and have full lives and find some measure of happiness. I have second guessed myself time and time again with each decision I had to make along the way the last year. This would encompass everything from buying decisions, redecorating and remodeling decisions, travel plans, education and career changes, selling things, decisions involving the girls, pets, Mike’s possessions, all of them. Always asking myself: “Am I doing the right thing?”, “should I be doing this right now?” “would he be mad at me for this?” “is this what he would want?” “what would Mike do?”. Usually after much thought and reflection I come to the answer that he would want me to do what is best for all of us. He would want me to sell or give away what I need to. He would want me to rearrange the house to my pleasing or change things in whatever way I feel I need to. He would definitely want me to be wise with money but to live a little too. I think most of all he would want me to go on living and be happy and do whatever I need to do to be a whole and complete person. I’m trying to do that and I think I’m making some good progress.
Yes, it’s been a hard, long year. At times it’s been a lonely and sad year. But I think in going on with all of our lives and living them to the fullest, we are honoring Mike. So I start another year now without him. I know I’ve come a long way in this last year. He’s been there all along: watching and keeping an eye out for us. I’ve felt it and known it all along. As the next years unfold, whatever they may bring, I’m going to move forward and do my best to be the woman Mike always believed me to be. I believe he will continue to watch out for us and that gives me a lot of comfort. Rest in peace, Mike.